|
[28 Jul 2007|09:59am] |
|
Riiiiiiiku... T__T *whimpers*
|
|
|
[04 May 2007|11:03pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 depressed |
] |
*sigh*
Due to the new workplace reform my hours have been slashed by about an hr and ahalf almost... -____- fucking great.
So pack up was done half arsed...
I have thgis feeling that tomorrow will be a nouther night mare as I only have 6 and a half hrs instead of 8.
Fucking Woolworths....
Mum picks me up and I need food so I say to mum to nip into Maccas so I can get a happy meal with the YGO toy. (Like I'd pass up some nifty collectors cards) Anyway... kaitlyn gets all sooky cause I'm having maccas and like the lil snots already had dinner... .>< What about me?
Akk.. *looks at time* I better go... I just dont get enough time on the net anymores when I work late. >.< FUCKING LIFE!!!!
|
|
| Canna not liva with amself |
[04 May 2007|11:33am] |
|
I dont want to feel this depressed, especialy when it will effect my work. But I'm really feeling the depression pinch again. Probably more so than ever. Everything seems to be on a schedule for me... And I'm scared of stuffing it up. It's times like this that I wish that I never had a job.... just wish i could curl up into the corner and spend my life as nothing. To the point where life is so hard on me and I just dont want to live it.
People around me make my life even more difficult. Suposed we get these pay cuts which is what I think is happening. I'm going to be loosing even more money and then there would be no point in me working, I don't see the point in it now. I survived well enough on only $420 a fortnight. Now I barely survive on $150-$200 one week and $260-$380 the next. What does that add up to ove a fotnight.... Around $560??? for a fortnight... It's only about $100 more than what I would be getting on the dole.
It's so freakin stupid... I'm part time;... I should be getting more hours than this. *sigh* But there is the issue of me being too affraid to stick up for myself and approach ppl about my issues for the sheer fear of rejection and abuse.
I need to see Charlotte again.... But I cant till I get a referreal... and I just dont have the time for it. >.< What am I to do... ? *cries* I fucking hate living.,.. I fucking hate this exsistance.... I fucking cant stand this hyprocritical political bullshit and I just wish the world would end already. Bring on the false massire.. BRING IT ON So I can get the fuck away from this low life exsistance.... wait anouther 7 yrs and then KABOOM~ Good bye world and life as we know it.
I want to not live on... I cant take it anymore... I just cant....
|
|
|
[30 Apr 2007|05:55pm] |
I HATE U!
that is all
|
|
| Brink of disppare |
[25 Apr 2007|04:48pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Merciless Cult - Dir en Grey |
] |
I am so sick to death of the bullshit that i have to endure here. I'm sick and tired of being made out to be the bad guy. I'm sick and tired of having no one to stand up for me where is I have to stand alone and continuously take in the shit that ppl dish out to me and only too me.
I'm not impresse with jessica or kaitlyn for that matter.... I'm feeling crowded and like I need to get out on my own. But I just cant afford to do so. -___- I swear i am going to go insain.... now that Kait is living with is so thats 6 ppl in one house now. *whimpers* I know how big families feel now... they feel crowded and cheated. Well I'm feeling like I am the only one at fault with all this one sided bullshit going on. How many nice things have I done for that lil ungreatful wretch. How many times have I taken her out and brought her stuff.... how many times have I shown her that I care when she doesnt seem to listen at all and it's driving me so fucking insain that I just don;t know which way is up.
And that fucing cow of a sister sits by and does nothing about her children and their behaivior. I cannot tolerate disrespect. Specially from a couple of snot nosed disoediant insolent teenages.
I know how I was when I was a teenager and atleast I wasnt as disresepctful. Well I can say one thing..These two are the most ungreatful selfish human beings on the planet who couldnt give a stuff about anyone else around them.
*cries* I just feel so worthless and alone... like I am not even worth shit to them. Now that jessica has a boyfriend, she wants more space.... ok yeah sure... but does that mean you have to be a total BITCH about it? Like today.. it was so funni that it wasnt..... I had brought dad home a burger from maccas and cause he wasnt home yet I handed it to jess and said for her to just put it in the microwave (to keep warm) What does she do... sticks it in alright and turns it on. OMGWTF YOU DUMB or what? I'm like... "Jess... I said just put it IN... not turn it on." *dies*
It's so dumb.
And OMG honest to god... she had her boyfriend over yesterday and all they did was stay in the back room... he's gone home and she's got hickey's all up her neck.... BOTH SIDES. She's 13.... for fucks sake. She didn't even know what a hickey was... OMG *die*
Anyway... I'm at all impressed with both of them so I'm not going to even bother talking to them cause I'm sick to death of getting my head bitten off everytime I open my mouth to them.
Bugger the lil buggers.
-_____- I think some Yami play is in order... I havent done anything like that in a while.... month... 2 months? I unno.... I just feel like drawing soem blood.
*laughs* Got a nice scar on my wrist now too.... No I didnt do it to myself deliberatly.... for once! The hairstraightner bit me... but it looks like I cut myself.... Oh wells... If I could I'd do what Hikari did and attack the side of my face with it. >.> Then I'd really look like the crazed pyshcotic freak of nature that I am.
Something that kind of amused me the other night was the mention on the news about Emo's. Apparently the media LOVE attacking emo's when it comes to an individual or 2 or more killing themselves all cause the follow the emo sub culture. I'm surprised my family havent clicked on to me then.
Meh!
Heh... Jess's getting told off by her mother... serves her right... lil wretch has a cheek of a mouth on her. She thinks she can order us adults around well she's got something else coming.
Anyway.. enough from me.... maybe I'll just distract myself for a while... saves me playing with blades then doesnt it.... Rather appealing atm. -___- Just getting jack tired of the shit around here.... need a holiday already!
PS. TMNT IS AN AWSOME MOVIE GO WATCH!!!!
|
|
| stolen from cheeseburgerofdoom |
[25 Apr 2007|01:04pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Summer of Love - Wicked |
] |
First, write down the names of 12 characters (it's best when they're all from the same fandom). Then read and answer the questions.You can't look at the questions (or click on the cut) until you write down the 12 characters you're going to use 1. Axel
2. Sora
3. Xemnas
4. Demyx
5. Xaladin
6. Roxas
7. Xigbar
8. Marluxia
9. Larxene
10. Saix
11. Riku
12. Cloud
|
|
|
[21 Apr 2007|07:24pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Numa Numa - Ozone |
] |
I feel like lead.
Work was an ok day. Only had one really pain in the arse customer. There's some sliced turkey in the cabnet that this old woman wanted... I think she was greek or italian... anyway... she said she wanted it freshly sliced... I'm like.. yeah ok and the woman is going on about something I can barely understand due to her lack of english.. the same turkey is sitting next to the slicer, I'd say ready to be sliced.... and Renee is there slicing anyway... Renee asks what I want cut and I tell her, she slices 12 slices of the turkey and hands it to me (We both have gloves on, I have a bag ready) And the old battle-lax is like 'No no.... I dont want it... she touched it.... slice it on the bag... " Renee and I are confused as ever... so i calmly direct Renee to slice the turkey without touching it at all and just let it fall onto the bag....the COW's getting antzy about how thick or thin it's sliced. It was either too thin or too thick. FUCK - ING HELL!
So through much reasoning with the customer to get what she wanted, I tag it and hand the package over and all she says is I'm fussy.
WELL FUCKING DUH!!!!!!
-___- Then I go up for lunch no long after and Renee comes up sometime later. Just talking and some call comes in that a lady was complaining about how she picked up some banana';s for such and such price and she went out of the store... comes back like 5 mins later and the banana's have been reguced by a dollar... she complains and demands to get them at that price... and then demands to get them for nothing... like... wtf? Like.. HELL no... you brought it at that price thats the price you paid. Chances are that the reduced stock is old stock that needs to be sold asap and she's picked up newer stock. Then thats not right at all. -____-
Renee and I were just livid.
But enough of that... the rest of the day was pretty plain. I'm a bit annoyed with Lucy (our new deli manager) I wanted to start seafood like 15mins early, it being a sat. and usually there is alot more to do on a saturday so it's all hands on deck so to speak. Well I still got it done in like half an hr or so... but I started late cause she wanted some bacon put into the cabnet... >.> Couldn't see anyone else doing it. Then as I'm packing up seafood, Renee and her are gasbagging over the counter. Like... WTF? I didnt think any of us had time for idle chit chat like that. It makes me sick to the bone. Here I am doing all this hard back breaking work and their chinwagging.... 'Nee complains alot about how sore her back is and stomach is... fuck. my back aches too but I still do the work like it's suposed to be done... And anouther thing that pisses me off... she's refilling chicken and there's a customer right infront of her... I'm refilling bacon and have been trying to for the last half hour or so, but she made me stop what I was doing all cause her hands had honey soy marinate on them.... OMG like SO FUCKING WHAT... If it were me I'd just rip them off and put on a new pair after serving. It's not that difficult. Alot of the stuff I don't think she can be bothred doing. I cant be bothered doing any of it yet I do it for the wages.
*yawns* I think I'll go to bed now... there's a movie I wanna wake up to watch later... havent even done my hair but I cant be stuffed doing that even.
Dunno if I'll be able to get up in the morning x.x
|
|
|
[18 Apr 2007|11:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cranky |
] |
I should really spend the night packing stuff so as I can perhaps convince the house to let me go out to the card shop tomorrow.
Work was ok.... As stated before I had to deal with Peta for 5 hrs. Not my fav. cuppa tea mind, considering the bullshit I put up with on Sat. from her.
She even had the gawl tonight to complain about how long it took me to do seafood pack-up. >.< BLOODY COW.... She should know how long it takes a person to do it. But the fucking time killer came when I had to melt the ice in the bottome of the cabnet cause some idiot packed it in and it froze solid and was hard to break off unless I melted it with hot water. And cause there was heaps of it it took some time to do. At the same time I was spraying down the trays and tubs and washing she gunk off the ones that came in contact with some of the seafood. I mean... whe I do packup of seafood.. I fucking do it properly. I dont like fucking half done jobs. And even so it only took me 45mins on my own for the entire cabnet. Some ppl it takes a whole hr... and then some? Like... wtf? I'm no fucking robot.... >.< I swear she trys to think I am. I'm fucking jack of her shit if it happens again with her I'm going straight to the boss of the store and fucking letting him know the bullshit I'm subjected to. I work at MY pace... and then some cause some ppl in that deli are so fucking lazy it urks me. I don't want to be on the bad side of anyone there... cant aford to be... But FUCK... that fucking cow... GRRRrrrrr.
I aint no fucking robot.
I don't get what her problem is... I even did floors and racks and shit for her in record timing.. it was a slow night so I didn't want to do everything all flat out cause then I would have to leave early... which I DID... 10 mins early... but I'll be fucked if I'm leaving before my shift end cause then I wont get paid for that time. I cant afford to do that. Unlike HER... bloody fulltimer...
And anouther thing that gets on my goat is how everytime I walk into that deli and she's there it's a fucking mess. Who's left to clean up? ME!!! I'm the type of person to clean as I go.. which is what we have been fucking trained for in Induction before we entered the store. She obviousely doesnt know the meaning of pick up after yaself. And I seem to recall in the first weeks or so of me and the others starting there that she was going ape shit over plastic bags and rubbish on the ground.... GAAAH! POT CALLING KETTLE... damn cow.
I've had it... next time she fucking starts on me about how paced I am in doing things there... fuck.. I know I gotta be a bit quicker in some things... I mean I was quick to get bacon done today... well as quick as I could be considering at the time I was doing more than half of the serving... and customers to the deli come in like a dripping tap.
And I'm getting jack of the shit going on around me here.... fucking getting yelled at and shit... I'm tired... and my body hurts... no one around here gives a fucking toss anyway...
Yami... where are you? My scars are fading...
|
|
|
[18 Apr 2007|03:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 distressed |
] |
*sigh* I'm tired.. and not feeling well.. yet I still have to go to work tonight... which in some aspect I'm not really look at all forward to cause I gotta work with Peta for 5 hrs. *whimpers* I saw her last night, she was ok I guess... but I dunno how we will be tonight. Will she blow up at me for something, I dunno. She seems to like blowing up at ppl for littlest things. Well... I'm just not going to do anything new tonight... just stick to serving/cleaning/filling some parts. If she wants shaved filled she can do it herself. I dun wanna get my head biten off again.
Supose I better make tracks... get some shoes on.. leave in about 15mins.
|
|
|
[17 Apr 2007|12:01am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 confused |
] |
I'm gonna make this short cause my back kills...And I'm really tired.
Just read over what I had last put in this fucking cursed journal and I don't really know what to think in this sort of situation. I don't supose I should think or feel anything of the sort. Which i don't, cause this all occured ages ago and I kinda just put it behind me and "screw the world". But the I STILL HATE ME still applies in some instances. Yes I still cant stand the way I look, I don't think thats going to change any time soon....my riturals of self harm have deminished somewhat since, I have slipped a few times though. As much pleasure it brings, least I can control whats going into me, unlike smoking and other narchotic substances.... those you cant control the effects of. Least with cutting you can control how far the blade goes in and how much blood you draw out. Least I wont die of cancer from it. I'd hate to die of cancer of any sort... Cause then I'd look and feel even more like shit. I've seen medical shows. Doesnt really look like an appealing way to die. That and I'd be fucked a thousand different ways before I let them shove me in cemo. I aint loosing my friggin hair for nothing. I happen to like my hair. Makes good cosplay. As my cousin did once point out to me.
Got a fucking job too... fucking woolies... evil and fucking die. I'm not looking forward to my shift on Wed. night. 5 hrs with Peta. Ok sure we were alright in the begining but the fucking bitch had a good go at me on Sat. afternoon all cause I thought I was doing the right thing in going to the fridge to get the spare tray of meat that was nearing empty in the cabnet... anyway, she says no, it's not to go out and I just asked why so she explains that it's only for emergency sakes and that it's pointless if you can just refill the one already out. Ok so I didnt know... I just say something like... Oh, ok then and walk back out... next thing I hear is "Don't talk smart to ME like that, I'm not in the mood" OMG... like.. what did I fucking say wrong? It scared the hell out of me and I was close to tears...Bec. must have noticed and I just told her that I got growled at... not the particulars, because I was lost at what I had said wrong. Bec. just says she gets like that... and not to let it get to me. Easy for her to say.... she had a bit of an alteration with Peta a lil later on anyway... I think Peta is turning out to be a right bitch.... I've lost a lil bit more respect for her now. It bothers me that she can get away with talking like that now that Kristy has gone on her maternal leave. I know Kristy informed me that I tended to get a bit of a smart mouth on me at some stages with other higher up staff.. again i am lost with that one. As I only remeber one instance where I had an issue with my ankle and had to see a doc. Unbeknowst I confused the hell out of one of my managers, and when I rang up over the phone, she's all like..."Don't get smart with me" In my defence I simply stated that I WASNT being smart at all only simply stating the facts as it was. -__- So in reference to my Appraisal, I have no idea where me coming off as a smartarse comes into it. I'm simply there to learn and work, end of story. Personally... It felt like they needed to have a good stab at me for something that I hadn't been responsible for and thought.... of fuck it lets just add this in on several occasions that such and such hapened and she got a smart mouthed to her superiors.
Again the same thing happens over the weekend And I am at a loss for words.
Fucking woolies!!!!!
The boss's are absolute pricks and bitches... the lot of them. I'll never get into management. NEVER~ I don't want to turn into one of them.
Said this was going to be short... but I've finished watching Little Kuriboh's vids for the night. I can't seem to get enough of them.... rly. Off to fucking drown myself in sleep now!!!
Nighterz~
|
|
| I don't exsist... |
[07 Apr 2005|01:03pm] |
Don't really have that much to be stressed about...? What the BLOODY fuck is that suposed to mean? i don't dought that your stressed over UNI... But what about everyone else and I'm not just singeling out myself. The way you said it made it sound like you're the only person in the world stressed enough to actually complain about being stressed.
Go to UNI and THEN I'd know what stress is...
Incase you have forgotten... I went to TAFE... that was stressing enough as it was... I know it's only a step down from UNI but I'm SORRY I was so stupid that I didn't get a good enough score in my exams to be a smarty like you and land a place in UNI...
Make way for the stupid ppl of the world and cut them some slack will ya...
You want to know what I'm stressed over... There are a select few out there, and I sharnt put it to names... that don't even know the meaning of depression... don't even know the reality of it all... don't know how fucked up in the mind it can get. You can easily overcome your stresses with UNI.. but TRY overcoming pshychological and emotional long term stress... try overcoming the fact that day in day out you hang your life on the line by a sinle thread and at any moment that thread could break and we fall forever!
I'd rather live with the stresses of UNI than this fucking bullshit...
Can I even help it if I get this way, So I broke last night and fell from the walls of the ditch plumetting into the pitch black abyss once again...
I thought I did 5 cuts.. but when I woke up this morning I noticed 8... Wooops.. I felt better temporarily.. but now... I crave it like no other... I look in the mirror again and all I see is the most fucking worthless piece of shit the world has ever seen... I hate what I see... wish I was dead. No one would miss me.... if I died.. they'd prolly mourn... but not for long anyways... I'm not at all that worth the tears... I achieved nothing... I failed everything... I still havent achieved ultimate failure... yet!
|
|
| Habit not broken yet.. |
[07 Apr 2005|12:03am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cold |
] |
Hate living... hate life... hate it all..
I couldnt hold back any longer... a whole month without even a scratch and I needed the blood... 5 nice long bleeding, wheeping cuts. I wish i could do more.. but I'm just too tired to even bother...
-_- I'm so fat and ugly... my arms are scarred like no other from the exmah. every winter my scars show up real bright... I wish they were gone.
FCUK I'm so tired...And I'm sick and tired of mum and her bitching and moaning... she does far too much of it... I hate my life. I'll never make anything of it... I want to die.
I'm sorry to those whom I have failed...
|
|
|
[22 Mar 2005|12:19am] |
I know I've prolly said this a thousand times and only just repeating myself... But... I hate myself.
Just before I was getting dressed for class when i looked at myself in the evil mirror. I'm so selfconsiouse about my boobs and stomach... my gutts seem to be loosing some inches... but my stomach is getting bigger... And my boobs are too big... way too big. I find it so hard to wear bras, excersise and wear some clothes... I hate this body. It has everything wrong with it. I hate myself, I hate living so very RA FUCKING blasted much...
I can stand the sight of me anymore... I cant stand the person I've become.. I cant stand me.. I want to die. I's the only way out. I try diets, I try excersise... I try not even fucking eating.. nothing works. Nothing can get rid of this fucking usless body. I hate it ..no wonder no one wants anything to do with me.. I'm ugly and fat and... and.. USLESS.. Utterlty USLESS... no good to ANYONE...Why cant I just die in the night... death... just take me... I cant even do it myself.. so take my soul away from my body. I just cant live eith myself. I failed... failed myself... failed life.. failed in everything. I failed... and there's no second chances... Death take me.
Why cant I just... feel good about myself for the first time in my lifee.. I don't even know what it's like to appreciate myself. There's never been anything TO appreciate. Nothing worth while about me. No qualities.. no skills... no fucking brains...
A usless waste of space... A usless soul in a usless shell... KILL ME.. Take me.. Die with me now...
My life is meaningless.
I'm gonna do something that I don't usually put in my LJ.... Gonna ask God.
Is there some purpose as to why I am even still alive...?
This is usless... and meaningless God... I cant even stand this body you gave me... There's nothing good about it. I know I'm not gonna get any second chances.. so I ask... just... put me out of this misery once and for all. There's nothing I could do to make a difference now anyway. It';s the only thing left for me to do ...to die. To leave this worthless shell like body... I don't care what anyone thinks... Release me.
That is all....
Now I shall go off and ....do something..
|
|
| Still alive! |
[13 Mar 2005|04:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
confused |
] |
Meh... Celebrated my 21st this week end with the peeps from home.
Emphsis on the pshychotic shit that went on.
Mainly me.
-.- But now... I think back... and I actually do remember some shit that went on, most of it which Mel actually had to remind me when i woke up this morning... Apparently I was so fucking drunk off my arse what i brought Yami out and played with him.. or didn't I?
I don't rememeber what I was doing but I guess that when I do get pissed I get all phsychological and shit... I say things that are ppl arent ment to know about and do things that ppl arent ment to see... but I guess.. when you're drunk... you tend to not really give a shit.
I don't think I did anyway!
I don't know... it's still all so vague in my mind... I think at one stage.. I nearlly slashed at my wrists...and then mel was like... NO, Put yami down ..drink... no slashy! Or something along the lines of... *shrugs* It wouldn't have mattered... I wonder now though... how deep I could have gone being drunk and all... It was actually fairly appealing to just retract the blade and cut real deep... but I admit now.. I was too sloshed to even bother cause I was close to passing out.
Well I ended up passing out anyway...
After chundering about 4 or 5 times in the back yard... then i woke up at 6 and went outside to chunder again... >.< I was so scared that I was gonna have vomiting fits agian. And if that's he case then I would need to go to the hostpital and get another needle. BLAAAAH!
I think from now on I will just watch what I drink... I don't think I will attempt to get hammered like this again for a long time to come... it seems to be very dangeouse for me other wise, if I go into fits i could tear my stomach...
|
|
| Breaking the habit...or am I? |
[06 Mar 2005|11:24am] |
I cut three times last night... Don't really know the real reason why...
Their only shallow cuts... but it breaks the month long celebracy...
-.- Oh well... I tried....
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
yami_misty's journal